Am I too old for this?

Never too old

The other day I was presented with one of the bestest birthday presents my teen brain trapped in a 25-year-old’s body could have asked for. A lunch box. But this is not just any lunch box. It has Wonder Woman looking oh so wonderful on it.

She fights crime and still manages to retain her dignity in a minuscule leotard.

My friend – who obviously knows me far, far too well – presented me with this enchanting lunch box as a belated birthday present. And my reaction was instant. Glee. Wonderful Wonder Woman glee.

I threw out my stained cheap tupperware left over from one too many chinese takeaways. This was the new box on the shelf in the ELLE fridge.

No one is too old for a lunch box. Just so long as it’s small enough to fit into your handbag. My ‘ironic’ days of carrying a full-size Mr Men lunch box to university lectures are over.

If only I’d used my Wonder Woman this morning when I had an unfortunate yoghurt exploding incident while running for the bus. The bus driver didn’t wait. And I lost a perfectly good yoghurt.

I’ve learned my lesson.

What every little girl wants…

Barbie Cheryl: complete with bow

The number one Christmas present for girls under the age of 12 has arrived…

Barbie Cheryl.

Comes complete with ridiculous bow hair accessory, vinyl black dress and girl backing band.

The 6″ doll is so convincing, you may mistake her for the real deal. But, believe us here at Mattel, she is completely plastic. Just look at those pins – they could be snapped if played with too hard.

A vast collection of obscenely short, neon, pop dresses can be bought separately. But remember, Barbie Cheryl must not be seen in the same dress twice.

Her long, dark mane is made from real horses hair and can be pulled back into a Croydon facelift, or backcombed to really show off those extensions.

Kate Moss blah blah blah

Vogue's best dressed

Kate Moss is a style icon. Fact.

She looks phenomenal at fashion events, effortlessly switching between designer and high-street (mostly her own line for Topshop). Always causing a stir. When Kate Moss mixes up a trend, a million Moss-alikes take note.

But then something happens to her daytime wardrobe. She’s been swallowed up by the groundhog.

I’m not saying she looks bad by day, she doesn’t. She’s innately stylish and can pull off any look. But unfortunately, that look is the same, day in, day out. Despite this worn out look being voted as one of the best dressed this week by Vogue.

It’s gone past a phase now. Everyday throws up another pair of grey or black skinny jeans, leather boots, black blazer and striped top combo. Just like her beau, Jamie Hince.

Where’s the originality gone? The rips, the furs, even the boho?

I want the Kate Moss of old back. Minus the ‘ahem’ problem.

£200 tights… you’re having a bubble bath

Proof some people have too much money

Would you pay £199 for a pair of tights… er, no is the answer.

Hosiery house Wolford is releasing a pair of 100 denier tights, complete with tiered layers of fringing from the calf to the ankle.

You are guaranteed to make an impression in these, but is the fringing made of real fairies hair or spun by ancient mermaids? Thought not. So why the price tag Wolford?

Does the hosiery company not realise we are in a recession? I struggle to justify £8 fair trade bamboo tights from Boots, even though they satisfy my eco-c0nscience.

Tights are a frivolous wear for a month kinda deal, not an investment. Sainsbury’s three pack for £5 does the job a treat.

And don’t even get me started on the ‘L’ word. The amount of times I have pulled on a brand new pair of tights, only for them to instantly ladder is uncountable. Now I am not in the least bit annoyed at this (£5 for three, remember), but what if I’d just paid off a whopping £199 credit card bill… on tights?

I would be more than a little bit mad. I’d be green. Films would be written about the incident: The Rise of the Female Hulk.

Wolford's Laura tights

Not to mention what little they would go with. Few of us are blessed with a figure that can pull off leggings or tights on their own. I know I don’t.

However, don’t let me put you off. If you’re house is made of gold and you have dwarves for entertainment, then here is how to waste your money… www.tightsplease.co.uk.

They also have a cheaper (£27) grey and flower print pair of tights named Laura, that don’t quite work. How apt?

Alternatively, you could give your money to a good cause. I hear The Laura Davies Charity is in need of donations.

Leather at work?

Why the hell not?

The rushed choice of leather shorts this morning was perhaps not my wisest.

Now I work at ELLE where no-one bats an eyelid at jumpsuits, fur and red lips, but leather shorts are another beast altogether.

I’m just not convinced they quite classify as ‘work-wear’. I am wearing a camel Gap merino wool sweater, black tights and clumpy brown boots to balance it out, but all I can think of is ‘I’ve dared to bring S&M into the office’. Who does that? I can’t even see Mr Stringfellow in these. Nor would I want to for that matter.

I think I look Olivia Palermo-esque, minus the great hair. I probably look Pat Butcher-esque, complete with dodgy make-up.

But the truth is, I don’t care. I love my leather shorts. And I intend on wearing them to work, to the pub, to the supermarket, to anywhere I fancy really.

The best thing that goes with leather shorts is an ‘I don’t give a f**k’ attitude. And I have that in spades.

Who wears short shorts? Me, that’s who.

One big disappointment

Create your own dresses

So I went to Style:Shake’s welcoming party last night, taking my oldest friend (I’ve known her the longest, not she’s ancient). I promised her high fashion and champagne. Instead she got bridesmaid dresses and cheap red wine.

The venue, Albert and Pearl on Upper Street, Islington, is a great little pub. It’s brimming with glorious old charm and unique gramophone lights. However the candle-lit upstairs room is not the best choice to examine fabrics and colours. I couldn’t tell the difference between grey and red, let alone navy and black.

On inspection of the dresses on cramped rails, the material was thin and unforgiving. I can see great tailor-made bridesmaid dresses, but unfortunately, not much else.

Apart from one great silk A-line dress with a lace collar that I had my beady eye on. When will my obsession with lace end?

The unique selling point of Style:Shake is you can choose your favourite colour and give your exact measurements. So I’m sure this range appeals to a more mature woman with exact requirements. But unfortunately it left me a little flat.

The Mexican dinner we treated ourselves to afterwards more than made up for it, though.

When fate chooses my style…

Doing the decent thing and wearing as t-shirt

I hate Monday mornings. I am not at my sparkling best after being denied a third glorious lie-in. I inevitably wake up in a daze, have run out of milk and have no clue what to wear.

But on this particular Monday, fate was to intervene in my wardrobe decision.

After a frivolous shopping expedition to Westfield – the largest shopping mall in Europe, aka, heaven – I had come home with a beautiful cream long-sleeve lace minidress and a shorter than short body-con black t-shirt dress, both from River Island.

The lace dress had already had a successful Saturday night appearance in Shoreditch, followed by a violent wrestling match at 5am. And no, this is not a euphemism, it literally was a wrestling match with macho housemate.

However, the black t-shirt dress, complete with gorgeous studded and fringed shoulders, was an entirely different kettle of fish. As much as I loved it, I wasn’t sure my slightly curvy figure can quite pull of body-con. Even if my best friend told me otherwise. And the length? Boy, oh boy, I’d catch my death. Leggings required. Preferably jeans.

So, regrettably, the fringed t-shirt dress made its way to the ‘take back on Monday’ pile. At least the bank manager would be happy.

This was, until, my Monday morning syndrome (MMS) reared its sleepy head. At the exact moment of packing my Wonder Woman lunchbox (thanks best friend) in my gorgeous Mimco bag (thanks boyfriend) and running out the door, disaster struck. My clumsy tree hands knocked an unfinished mug of herbal tea all over the spanking new t-shirt dress. And me. Nightmare.

Not only do I now have to keep said t-shirt dress, but I had an odd blackcurrent and honey aroma to me all day. Bees began circling above, with one thing on their mind.

Now in no way is this an extravagant fabrication for me to keep the dress. Keeping it is just a by-product of my stupidity and an unarguable tale to sweeten my sensible side. Honest.

But I have to live with this MMS every week, always in fear of what stupid action I will take next Monday…

Be your own designer

Don't even think about turning up uninvited. If your name's not down...

For all those of you who have secretly fancied yourself as a bit of a designer, this is the label for you. Style:Shake allows you to get your creative juices flowing by designing the style and choosing the material and colour of your very own bespoke dress.

Whether you’re a Lady Gaga dress fanatic and can’t find anything similar on the high-street, or are an in-between sizes kinda gal and nothing ever fits, then this might just be the service for you.

It might not of course. There might be granny patterns on offer in hideous fabrics. This is why I am off to a Style:Shake event this evening to take a butchers at the new ideas and materials.

Oh, and there are free drinks. But that is absolutely, in no way, why I am attending. It’s all in the name of research.

Cheers!

Jimmy Cheaps

Jimmy Choo for H&M bracelet

Am I the only one out there that was hopelessly disappointed with the Jimmy Choo for H&M shoe range?

No? Good. They simply looked tacky and made with cheap material. The black gladiator-style heels that I thought would go with everything, looked like something I’d find in Priceless Shoes. It didn’t even resemble leather. And cheap plastic is not a look I was going for. I’ve got Primark for that.

On the other hand some of the clothes were stunning. The grey suede and black leather one shoulder dresses would be worn to death. However my practical hat came on and the thought of a £150 work dress, which involves specialist leather dry cleaning after every wear, was too off-putting. God I’m getting sensible in my old age.

Not so sensible that I stopped myself from buying anything, though. When else am I going to own a Jimmy Choo piece?

The item I chose was the industrial silver chained bracelet.

Chunky, simple and manly. A bit like me really.

 

“Yeah sexy boots, get on your boots yeah”

 

Introducing my perfect winter boots

ALDO, you wonderful, wonderful shoe company. Just when I was close to throwing in the towel, you offered me hope and advice with a smile. You suggested a different size, not a different style, like those pushy people in Clarks – (mental note: Clarks is not full of the ‘friendly shoe-sizing machine people’ it had when I was a nipper – they are now forceful and rude).

But this is the end result. The perfect black winter boot.

Coming in at £100 they are not the cheapest around, but after an
extensive hunt and discovering the limitations of good quality on most of the high street, I was more than willing to hand over my credit card. The leather
is beautifully supple and with the thick sole and heel, these boots will last
longer than my Virgin credit card statement. My Granny was right… you really
do get what you pay for.

And if I want to rock the biker embellishments, then ALDO's DIY range fits perfectly

The vast range of cool, accessorised biker boots, particularly in Faith and River Island, were tempting, but they had too much embellishment to last longer than a season. Choosing a more simple style, with only one line of discreet studs, will take me through several winters. They also toughen up my current obsession for cream and nude dresses, preferably lace, as well as suiting skinny jeans.

I must be growing up (yes Mum, finally). Or maybe it’s the recession and my vanishing pay packet. But I am increasingly finding myself searching for a key item, in good quality, that will outlast the credit crunch. No more impulse buys that go with nothing for me, I have a list of key items that will be slowly creeping into my wardrobe.

Material is everything. Leather lasts longer. Just don’t tell Stella.